We're (Over) Halfway There

We're coming to the end of July and this year has been a weird one so far.

It hasn't been a bad one, although there have been a lot of frustrations and rough patches, but it hasn't been great.

I don't feel that I've developed much at all, in terms of professional life, personal life and my mental health. I feel that I have stagnated and let myself fall into a familiar hole. And despite the fact it's a familiar hole, I never seem able to find the bloody ladder out.

I've reached out for help again, and put myself in for CBT over the phone. Maybe not as appealing as doing it face-to-face, but a 4 week wait was much more appealing than a 34 week wait (at best). However, the wait in getting started has served to increase this frustration. Another thing that, for now, isn't improving or changing.

I'm still an expert in beating myself up, and find myself in a state of dissociation far more often than I would like. Either nothing matters all that much or the smallest thing going wrong feels like a complete and utter catastrophe. This only ever seems to work when it comes to negative things, never positives. My achievements don't feel like achievements, but rather glorified failures.

I know that I need to rewire my brain to try and get out of this mindset - I have been told this often enough by a number of different people. I just don't know how to. I desperately want to but I don't where to start.

Fuck it and fight it.
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Stormy Weather

Sometimes the perfect metaphor just presents itself in plain sight.

Today I was stood at the bottom of Edinburgh's Royal Mile looking west at an approaching black storm cloud knowing I'd have to head into it in order to get home.

It's been three years since I started working and first moved to Edinburgh. Part of my reason for doing this was due to an opportunity presenting itself. Part of it was down to seeking a new challenge. But a large part of it was that I was running. Running from my unhappiness, from my mental health issues, from everything that I felt was paralysing me back home.

I told myself it would be a fresh start, a clean slate, a renaissance, all the kind of shite you come up with when you're lying to yourself. In an incredible display of naivety I thought that a change of scenery was all that was required for life to become happy again.

Shockingly, it didn't quite work out that way.

Three years on I'm still fighting the demons I once thought I could run away from. Turns out that they can travel too. But I am getting better at fighting them. Part of the reason for this is that I inadvertently trapped myself with them. I was in a strange place with few friends so I ended up spending more time alone with them for company. It wasn't pleasant, but it was certainly an education.

It's not a fight that's going to end, there's no real way to permanently clear the storm clouds from the sky, but I know that the storms can't last forever, though sometimes I need to remind myself of that fact. And even in the stormy weather I can have fun in the rain.

I have no intention of running anymore. I know that it's futile. I know my demons are here for the long haul. I know that there will always be black clouds and storms ahead. I also know that after the storms there's sun and to make the most of it when the skys are blue.

I'm not running from my demons, I'm heading back to brave the storm.

Fuck it and fight it
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The Most Frustrating Words In The English Language

"It'll get better."

"This will pass."

"The night is always darkest before the dawn."

They're always said with the best of intentions but after a while the stop being a source of comfort. And what's worst is you know that they're true. It just hasn't come true for you yet.

It feels like instead of a night you have six months of Arctic darkness to fight through and there's no sign of the dawn light piercing the black sky that hangs heavily overhead.

It feels like you won't get better. It feels like you can't. The negative voice drowns out any rational thought and any positivity and optimism disappears down a black hole. The night appears endless and the promise of a dawn as false as the good life you were promised if you played the game.

Fuck that.

You can get better. You will get better. It'll be a long journey and not an easy one but you can manage it. And eventually you'll reach the dawn.

Just keep fighting.

Fuck it and fight it.
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Little April Showers

I feel a black cloud coming down over me again.

It's a very romantic way of saying that it feels like everything is fucked just now. It's much nicer than saying that my anxiety is through the roof, I'm easily frustrated to the verge of snapping and it doesn't feel like things will ever get better.

It's not as pleasing on the ear but it's a far more honest assessment of my situation. It's more real, it's harsher, it's scarier.

And for that reason it can be harder to open up about it.

If you think that it's scary being told that people can see you deteriorating,   it's nowhere near as scary as seeing yourself deteriorate.

Seeing the smile fade when you catch your reflection. Catching yourself getting angry at tiny situations. Overthinking every little mistake and every wee signal until it feels like there's a riot in your head.

People often say that life is peaks and troughs. I'm in a trough just now, and it's shite. Because I don't want to be here. Nobody does. And I know I can get out of it, but I've got a hell of a climb in front of me.

I know I'm slipping. I know you can probably see it. I can see it. Please bear with me. I'm trying my best.

Fuck it and fight it.

RIP Keith Flint

"If people find me scary, fuck 'em."

Today the horrible news broke that Keith Flint, the singer from The Prodigy, had died, according to his bandmate Liam Howlett by suicide, at the age of 49.

Whilst I was never a hardcore fan of The Prodigy, Keith made a big impression of me. I'll never forget being a wee boy and watching the video for Firestarter - those wild, piercing eyes almost burning a hole through the TV screen, the stars-and-stripes top and the double-mohawk. Then there was the song itself - the venom and vitriol behind his lyrics. There was something about it which resonated with me. The raw energy behind their songs and seeing how much the three of them put into their work.

Sadly this once again brings us to another situation where we are mourning another tragic loss. Once again it is only after the passing of someone that the conversation about depression and mental health begins for most. It was the same after Robin Williams, after Chris Cornell and after Chester Bennington. We need to start addressing all areas of mental health in an open and sincere manner. Encouraging people to reach out, whilst a good starting point, is simply not enough. There often isn't enough support there for someone after they do reach out in terms of treatment and support, and the stigma attached to the subject often puts many off reaching out in the first place. We need to start having uncomfortable and difficult conversations.

If you are struggling, please do reach out. Please have these conversations. Please keep fighting. Admitting you are fighting this battle is not an admission of defeat nor is it a sign of weakness; it is a show of strength. Fighting this battle is a scary thing to do, but you shouldn't feel scared to admit you're fighting it.

If anyone makes you feel that way, fuck 'em.

Fuck it and fight it.
RIP Keith Flint.

Daddy sad

So I was a lot quieter on this last year than I had expected. There were a number of reasons for this, but one of the main reasons was quite a biggy.

I became a dad.

My partner has a 2-year-old from a previous relationship and the biological father is nowhere to be seen. So as our relationship went on I became a more prominent figure in her life. I became her father figure. And its not been easy, but it is more than worth every tantrum, every cheeky reply, every time she hits.

But there is one particular aspect that is frustrating and uplifting at the same time; she has no understanding of what depression and anxiety are.

It's frustrating because if you're having a down day she won't care. No matter how shite you feel she'll still want someone to play hide & seek with. She'll need someone to feed her properly when you can't be bothered cooking a proper meal. She'll want to go to the park on days when getting out of bed feels like running a marathon.

But it's uplifting at the same time as no matter how much you doubt yourself, how useless you feel, how much you hate yourself that day, she'll always remind you that you matter. That your making a positive difference. That you're loved.

I'm going to try and get back into blogging properly this year. If I fall away for a bit, I'm probably just playing hide & seek.

Have a wonderful 2019.
Fuck it and fight it.

World Mental Health Day 2018

For years I tried to cope with my mental health on my own, hiding what I felt was some shameful flaw from those around me. I felt embarrassed. I felt ashamed. I felt as if it were my fault and I had done something to deserve this horrible bleak cloud that seemed to hang over me perpetually. It put me off reaching out and seeking help. It fed the demons I was fighting.

I first saught help 4 years ago. It is only really in the last 18 months or so that I've really opened up about my mental health. By no means am I cured, but I am getting better. There are times I slip but each time I am helped back to my feet by the wonderful people around me.

Dealing with your mental health can be a truly horrible experience.
Some days in life you'll feel crap. Some days will feel bleak and empty. Some days will leave you exhausted.

This is not a flaw on your part. This is not your fault. This is nothing to be ashamed of.

It's been said countless times in countless different ways but it doesn't make it any less true; it's ok not to be ok.

Don't be afraid to reach out. Don't be afraid to talk to someone or seek help. It might be one of the scariest things you'll ever do, but also one of the most worthwhile.

You got this.
Fuck it and fight it.