Rant in F Major

Not a mental health post, just a rant for a change.

I find myself seemingly in constant despair at the shambles of a world we live in. We lie to ourselves about how good things are when the world collapses around us.

We tell ourselves we've never had it so good as we turn our homes into hotel rooms and invite strangers in for an extra buck.

We tell ourselves things are getting better as we turn our cars into taxis to get some extra cash.

We delude ourselves into thinking we make a difference by changing a profile picture on a social media platform, or by signing a petition that will be read once then ignored.

We don't read up on the events that are happening around us. We let someone else do a biased job of it for us and form our half-arsed opinions based on that, then we wonder "why did Brexit happen? How did Trump win?"

We continue to sell our souls in pursuit of some vague idea of something that resembles our idea of happiness rather than making our own happiness, and have become so selfish as a society that we promote people who disregard the happiness and wellbeing of others unless it suits their agenda or puts money in their pockets.

Bill Hicks once said it's just a ride. We have forgotten that it's all just a ride. And we have forgotten that we have the power to change it any time we want. "It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings of money. Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love."

Hopefully once we are free from the vice grip of the selfish generation who hold the cards at the moment we will wake up and make that choice.

Hopefully we'll reject fear and choose love.

Rabbie Burns, pals & reflections

I am not a connoisseur of poetry. I don't read anywhere near as much as I should. I am not a Rabbie Burns fanatic (despite crying when I found hewas dead when I was at nursery, roughly 199 years after his passing) but one ofhis lines is one that always stays with me.

 "O wad some Power the giftie gie us To see oursels as ithers see us!"

I wish I could see the side of me my friends and family see. I wish I could see the person they love, in spite of the meltdowns and the need for reassurance that at times must border on harassment. I wish I could see the person they want to hang out with, the one they want in their lives.

I know they don't see the me I see because I don't know if I'd be friends with him. They go out of their way to show me I'm loved and I'm not the person I see looking back from the mirror.  I am not my depression. I am not my anxiety. I am something so much more than that.

I am a brother, a son, a friend, a nephew, a cousin, a godfather and a warrior.

They let me see the me they love. Not the anxiety or the depression that distorts my vision. For this I am truly grateful. They show me the love they see in me and I love them for it.

Fuck it and fight it.

Conversations

People can be properly morbid can't they?

Whenever someone dies suddenly or in unexplained circumstances the first thought among everyone appears to be "how did they die? Did they do themselves in?"

Look at the reactions to the recent deaths of Dolores O'Riordan and Dale Winton. Only after they've gone do people seem to en masse give a shit about their mental health.

It's easier to discuss the mental health of someone who's no longer here than that of someone who's living because there's nothing that can be done to help them. It's easier to discuss what could have been done than what can be done because it can be a fucking uncomfortable conversation. For someone who's never visited that black place it can be extremely difficult to even get a sense of how life is for someone who lives there and try to help them out of it.

But it's surely better having one tough conversation with someone as opposed to endless sad conversations about them.

If you know someone who's in that black place please talk to them. From my experience even the daftest wee conversation can make a massive difference to that person.

Love each other.
Fuck it and fight it.

My Mental Health Diary: The Third Man

From 6th March 2018.

“What makes a man, without hope, cling to a few more minutes of existence?” ― Graham Greene, The Third Man

This quote popped up on my Facebook earlier on, it seems to have become a bit more pertinent as the night has gone on.

As anyone who has been subjected to my recent posts can probably tell I'm not in the best of places just now headwise. I'm angry. I'm frustrated. I'm agitated. On a number if levels I'm done. Done with being so far from my family and my oldest friends. Done with living in a city I am not overly fond of. Done with being shat upon by those higher up than myself. "Oh it's a fact of life that you're shat upon." That doesn't mean you have to accept it.
Perhaps unsurprisingly given my shite mood and no sign of a change on the horizon I've fallen into a depression again. I felt it tonight lying in bed. I've felt it try to claw away at my chest like it used to and this time I've just laughed. Because I know I'm going to beat it. I beat it last year in far worse circumstances than this. Last year I was a man without hope, and I clung on. This year I don't just have hope, I have determination and a fire burning inside as well. And the love and support of some truly beautiful people. 🖤

What makes a man, without hope, cling to a few more minutes of existence? Love. Love for friends, love for family, love for the people that make our journeys worth it even in the torrential downpours.

Fuck it and fight it 🖕

My Mental Health Diary: Selfish Bastards

From 31st January 2018.

I have spoken a lot about my depression and anxiety on here and have been met with a ridiculous amount of love and support.

One thing that I've been thinking about  is the selfish nature of these bastards. You get so wrapped up in yourself and your problems that you sometimes can't see things that are right in front of you and constantly seek reassurance for things that are blindingly obvious.

The love of friends and family, how loved you are, how much you mean to people. It's something that I know has been hard for some people closest to me, people who offer unconditional and unwavering love only to have me seek reassurance that it's there. It has been a source of great frustration to them and for that I apologise. The last thing I have ever wanted to do was cause any sadness or frustration because of my own issues.
I also say to them a massive thank you for standing by me through these bad times. Their love and support means the entire world to me and I cannot thank them enough. With their help I am in a better place than I thought possible almost a year ago.

Fuck it and fight it ❤

My Mental Health Diary: Thank You

From 30th January.

I realised that I haven't posted about my head in a while and that I only seem to talk about it when I'm down or in a bad place.
A bonus (for lack of a better word) of having these bad times is that it makes you appreciate the good times even more. When I've been down in the past I've focused on the negatives in my life. What's gone wrong, what I don't have etc. For too long it's been like that. There's a song I like that talks about people having two wolves inside of them - one good, one evil - and the dominant wolf is simply the one you feed. For too long I fed the evil one.

After a rocky start to this year I'm in a good place. Instead of the negatives I'm focusing on the positives. Even the worst and darkest of places there's a light and a route to better days.
These are just some of the folk who have surrounded me with positivity whilst I've been such a negative prick, and for that I thank you all. ❤