The Unforgiven

I feel like I'm a walking waste of potential and there's nobody to blame but myself.

I have ideas I want to pursue but talk myself out of them before even trying. I get halfway through job applications then just abandon them because I know I'm not going to get it. I have creative ideas I want to try out but don't because I'm terrified of having it confirmed to me that they're shite ideas, executed in a shite manner because I'm shite.

I'm stuck in this awful loop. I'm terrified of being a failure which means I don't try things which means nothing changes which makes me feel like a failure. I'm just stagnating and can't find the motivation to get out of this rut and I hate it.

I really fucking hate it. And it's my own fault I'm in this rut. Because every time things seem to be going well I find a way to kick myself back into it.

I never give myself any credit and don't see my achievements as achievements but rather as glorified failures.

I'm not flying, I'm falling with style.

And I don't know how to stop thinking this way, which just makes me frustrated and irritable and not fun to be around.

I want to get better. I want to be more positive. But I don't know how or where to start. I will keep fighting and trying because what other choice do I have?

I'm starting CBT soon, hopefully that'll help. Hopefully it'll help pull me out of the mire I've got myself stuck in again. Hopefully I'll be able to overcome this mental block and get back to doing things. Because I'm not willing to give up yet. I'm not dead yet. I can still fix this. Then maybe I can forgive myself.

What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never be
Never see
Won't see what might have been
What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub thee unforgiven

Fuck it and fight it x

Leigh Leigh Super Leigh

On Saturday I took my dad to the Celtic - St Johnstone match as his Father's Day gift. Throughout my struggles with my head my family have been a tremendous source of love and support, and I love being able to spend happy times with them because their have been a lot of less happy times.

It was Flag Day - the first game of the new season, an opportunity to celebrate the success of the previous season and, considering how much the two of us love Celtic, a great day out.

The match ended 7-0 Celtic with a number of great goals scored but one in particular meant more to me than the others; the final goal, scored by Leigh Griffiths.

It was Griffiths first league appearance for Celtic in 8 months after taking time to recover from mental health issues - not something often discussed in football. Since his return to the squad Griffiths has opened up about his mental health and shared his experience in the hope that it will help others to open up and help them with their battles.

The goal he scored he took well but it was a cherry on top - the game had been won long before his shot hit the back of the net - yet it meant so much for me to see him back on top of his game.

I always love seeing people who have been in a dark place come out the other side of it, be it friends finding happiness in a new career, or a new relationship, or finally achieving a dream which once seemed so far out of their reach. Seeing others do it helps me know that I can get through the darkness as well. Celebrating someone doing that with 50,000 others appreciating that same fact was something that felt very special. Sharing that with my dad made it even more special.

Fuck it and fight it.
Hail hail.

NHS

Three times in my life I've saught help with my mental health through the NHS when I've found myself in bad places. Not just feeling sad or lethargic. Places that were so dark, bleak and scary the prospect of making it out seemed at times non-existent.

The first two times I was put on a waiting list and seen over three months after seeking help. The third I was just given contact details for private counselling (don't get me wrong, great if you can afford it) as I was apologetically informed by a GP that I essentially wasn't depressed enough to warrant treatment through the NHS according to the protocols and procedures they have in place.

I want to clarify that I am a massive supporter of the NHS - without it I almost certainly wouldn't be here today and am not sharing this story to have a go at the NHS. Rather the government and organisations that are strangling it.

Despite the amount of media attention and column inches dedicated to politicians tackling the "ticking time-bomb of mental health" as they often refer to it, the simple fact is this:

Not enough is being done. Far from it.

Someone's mental health and wellbeing should never be used as some political tool to steal votes with empty promises.  It should be treated with the same seriousness we treat physical health. But we are nowhere near that yet.

Conversations

People can be properly morbid can't they?

Whenever someone dies suddenly or in unexplained circumstances the first thought among everyone appears to be "how did they die? Did they do themselves in?"

Look at the reactions to the recent deaths of Dolores O'Riordan and Dale Winton. Only after they've gone do people seem to en masse give a shit about their mental health.

It's easier to discuss the mental health of someone who's no longer here than that of someone who's living because there's nothing that can be done to help them. It's easier to discuss what could have been done than what can be done because it can be a fucking uncomfortable conversation. For someone who's never visited that black place it can be extremely difficult to even get a sense of how life is for someone who lives there and try to help them out of it.

But it's surely better having one tough conversation with someone as opposed to endless sad conversations about them.

If you know someone who's in that black place please talk to them. From my experience even the daftest wee conversation can make a massive difference to that person.

Love each other.
Fuck it and fight it.

Tackling My Mental Health: Anxiety, Depression & The Best Worst Year Of My Life

I first posted this on Vocal about 2 months ago but thought I might as well repost it here. Here's the link for the original if you're looking for more articles on similar topics. https://psyche.media/tackling-my-mental-health?_ga=2.32594494.1853401801.1524217330-143671639.1518982404 

2017 was a strange year for me. It should have been the worst year of my life. At points I thought it might be my last, yet it somehow managed to turn into one of the best years of my life.

I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression in 2014 after putting off my concerns for years thanks to a toxic relationship. I started talking to my closest friends and family about it, but for the most part kept it to myself for fear of being ostracized. It was like a permanent monkey on my back that I had to hide from everyone. But knowing my enemy made it easier to fight. I got a new job and a new girlfriend, and moved to Edinburgh.

Things seemed pretty sweet.

Then in March 2017, everything started to unravel. My girlfriend, who had helped me so much in my battles & I helped in hers, essentially broke up with me in stages. We tried an open relationship—I didn't really try, probably because I could sense what was coming—before she left me. Less than a month later, she was with someone else; someone she met in the dying days of our relationship.

Naturally, I wasn't in the best of places at this stage. Whilst I did have an incredible network of friends who could help me, they were now 40 miles away. I appreciate that it's hardly comparable to someone who has moved country and they were only about an hour away, but this was my first time experiencing a low so far from them, and I was wary of opening up to my Edinburgh friends to the same extent as my closest friends. A black cloud was gathering and everything was getting darker and darker.

In May I saw on social media that an old friend had lost her boyfriend and the father of her young child. Not knowing the circumstances, I offered my condolences. Her reply sent a chill running through me.

"Thanks so much. Hope you're holding up well please reach out for help if you need it because this could have maybe been prevented x"

I had had suicidal thoughts before, but they had been fleeting. I'd never considered the ramifications of it in any great detail before this. I had also thought naïvely thought that if I could have a family of my own, I'd be alright. There'd always be something or someone to fight for. For the first time, I realised that there was no magic-wand that could solve the problems in my head.

At the end of May, I visited one of my closest friends in Malaga, then my sister in Brussels. The time away did me good, up until my last night in Belgium. I said goodbye to my sister and she headed for the metro. As soon as she had gone, I felt some inexplicable force weighing me down, sucking the light from around me like a black hole. I went back to the hotel and tried to distract myself, but to no avail. I was agitated. I was beyond reason. Bad thoughts were swirling around my head, getting louder and louder with each passing moment. Two conversations prevented me from doing anything stupid that night; one with my ex-girlfriend, the other with my grieving friend. For that I'll always be grateful to them. It was one bad night, but it was a horrendously long and dark night.

When I returned home, I began to open up about my mental health. Not because I thought it would help anyone, just as a release for how I was feeling. The fear of being ostracized still loomed, but not as much as the fear of another night like that one in Brussels. I was met with such warmth and kindness that I felt like an ignoramus for keeping it all bottled up inside for so long. I found it just as helpful as any therapy session I'd been to in the past (In no way am I trying to undermine the benefits of therapy as a treatment, I just found it worked better in my case) and I found it easier to handle the black clouds when they gathered. My friends spoke to me about their struggles with similar issues. People I hadn't spoken to in years reached out to me, thanking me for doing something I thought was nothing.

I made a point of spending as much time with my closest friends and family as I possibly could. The summer of 2017 was probably the happiest I had been since I left high school. I identified things in my life I was unhappy with and started work on changing them. I'm still working on them today. 

I started off 2017 thinking of starting a family, thinking it would help save me. I ended it with a bigger and closer family than I ever dreamed of. A family I always had and who turned the worst year of my life into one of the best. A family who helped me save myself.

My Mental Health Diary: Go Compare

From 15th April 2018.

The last wee while I've found myself guilty of comparing my life to other people's.

It's an easy place to end up in. Even from childhood when we see someone with something shiny and cool we want a shot of it for ourselves. Only difference is that instead of wanting a shot of a toy or a ball or something it's usually aspects of their life. In my case when I'm not in the best place there's a hint of childish bitterness attached to the envy.

"How come they have that and I don't?"
"How is it fair that I have to deal with (X,Y,Z) but they don't?"
"How did they get that opportunity when I was overlooked?"

I hate it when I catch myself doing this because I know it's a dick thing ro do and it's utterly pointless. We're all individuals walking our own paths and yeah some paths are rockier than others. Some start off rocky but level out whilst others start level but deteriorate as time goes.

You can't ever truly see where someone else's path has been or has taken them unless you truly know that person. You won't know what struggles they've overcome or battles they fight in secret unless they open up to you. And in that case the last thing they need is an almost stranger acting like a jealous dick.

Fuck it and fight it. 🖤

My Mental Health Diary: Slip

From 10th April.

Once again I've slipped.

I apologise for going about it but depression and anxiety really are a relentless pair of bastards. Even once you've slipped they hide and sneak up on you. Sometimes they hit you with the melancholy and irritability that people associate with these pricks.
Other times they hit you with this horrible apathy towards everything and anything and you just do nothing. It's not that what you have to do isn't important, you just can't see the point in doing it. You can't see your accomplishments as being valid because they haven't made a big difference to the world. It's an awful part of dealing with the bastard that it can pull you to this place where nothing matters.

I'm in that place just now but don't plan on staying. I've spent too long there in the past and lost so much time and so many opportunities. I'm not going to let that happen again. I may have slipped but I'm getting back up.

Fuck it and fight it 🖤

My Mental Health Diary: Anniversary

Sunday will mark a year since I moved into my flat. To say it's been an eventful year would be an understatement.

It's featured breakups, relationships, fall outs, make ups and shake ups. It's featured incredible highs and eye-watering lows. It's featured mental breakdowns, health scares and the loss of some close friends.
It's been a year of changing my life. Changing the people I hang out with so that I'm not letting toxic people pollute my life. Changing my dietary habits and being a bit more sensible (he typed whilst having a donut). Changing my routine and finding out what those weird machines at the gym do.

Whilst there have been lows I've overcome them and they've made me stronger. The highs I've treasured every minute of.

It's been a year of redesigning, rebuilding and reclaiming. I don't plan on stopping.

Fuck it and fight it.

My Mental Health Diary: Down In A Hole

From 25th March 2018.

One of my favourite bands is Alice In Chains and one of my favourite songs is Down In A Hole.

Down in a hole and I don't know if I can be saved 
See my heart I decorate it like a grave 
You don't understand who they thought 
I was supposed to be 
Look at me now a man 
Who won't let himself be

The last wee while I've been down in a hole. Not the first time and won't be the last time. I've been in a rut, frustrated at a number of things - work, life, homesickness - and with little sign of improvement on the horizon it's worn me down a bit. Down in a hole and I don't know if I can be saved.

At times like this I find it too easy to look at what those around me have and wonder "why do they have that and not me?" which is stupid because I know that first of all I'm not going to solve anything bemoaning the good fortune of others and secondly I know that doing this is losing sight of the fact that we're all individuals walking our own roads and fighting our own battles. You don't understand who they thought I was supposed to be. Look at me know, a man who won't let himself be.
I've always liked this song because I've always related to it, every time I slip onto that dark corner of my own head. It serves as a reminder that I'm not the only one feeling this. In those lonely moment's I'm not alone. But unlike the song these days I'm often more positive about my mental health. Even when I'm in that bad place and I can't see light at the end of the tunnel I know that it will appear. The physical pain that manifests itself will fade in time. One of my favourite quotes by one of my least favourite people; "When you're going through hell, keep walking." Down in a hole, but I know I can be saved.

Fuck it and fight it.

My Mental Health Diary: Focus

I wouldn't say it's a regret but it is a fact. I spent so long chasing things that I thought adults should have that I made a number of bad decisions, mostly about people I let into my life.

I was too focused on what I thought I should have I missed wonderful little things on the periphery of my vision. I let the wrong people in and set myself up for fall after fall chasing things I thought I wanted.  It wasn't until I was almost 26 that I realised that I shouldn't focus on what I should have, started enjoying myself and my life more and focussing on things I want rather than what I thought I should have.

Sometimes the best way to find what we want is to stop searching and let it find us.

Fuck it and fight it. 🖤

My Mental Health Diary: The Third Man

From 6th March 2018.

“What makes a man, without hope, cling to a few more minutes of existence?” ― Graham Greene, The Third Man

This quote popped up on my Facebook earlier on, it seems to have become a bit more pertinent as the night has gone on.

As anyone who has been subjected to my recent posts can probably tell I'm not in the best of places just now headwise. I'm angry. I'm frustrated. I'm agitated. On a number if levels I'm done. Done with being so far from my family and my oldest friends. Done with living in a city I am not overly fond of. Done with being shat upon by those higher up than myself. "Oh it's a fact of life that you're shat upon." That doesn't mean you have to accept it.
Perhaps unsurprisingly given my shite mood and no sign of a change on the horizon I've fallen into a depression again. I felt it tonight lying in bed. I've felt it try to claw away at my chest like it used to and this time I've just laughed. Because I know I'm going to beat it. I beat it last year in far worse circumstances than this. Last year I was a man without hope, and I clung on. This year I don't just have hope, I have determination and a fire burning inside as well. And the love and support of some truly beautiful people. 🖤

What makes a man, without hope, cling to a few more minutes of existence? Love. Love for friends, love for family, love for the people that make our journeys worth it even in the torrential downpours.

Fuck it and fight it 🖕

My Mental Health Diary: This Fire Burns Always

From 10th February 2018.

2017 was not a good year for me, but it was the best worst year of my life.
In spite of what I went through, I felt like I had a fire inside that fuelled me to overcome any obstacles or doubts and chase what I wanted even if there was only the tiniest hope of getting it.

This year I haven't felt that. It feels like the fire is burning but not as brightly. I have been in a good place but lacked that spark that I had previously.

I know that not every day can be great and that this dullness is temporary but it's annoying because I don't know how to recapture that spark though I know I can.

Even through the darkest days, this fire burns, always.

I want to burn bright again.

Fuck it and fight it.

My Mental Health Diary: Oxymoron

From 18th January 2018.

The first fortnight of this year has been weird.

I've spent a lot of time with some close friends and family and been surrounded by love and positivity. I've been down but not negative, which I know sounds like an oxymoron.
I've been able to accept that there are times when I'll be down for no obvious reason and that the best way to deal with that is with positivity. Because things will get better. The negative moments, the down days, they're just temporary. Shite, yes, but temporary.

Sooner or later things will pick up. I'm lucky enough to be surrounded with amazing people who help to fill my life with warmth and positivity. Who save me from falling back into that hole. Who remind me that life has it's ups and downs. If you fall down you have to hit the ground before you can get back up.

Fall down 7 times, get up 8.

Fuck it and fight it.
Martin x

My Mental Health Diary: Old Friend

I had a conversation with a friend I hadn't spoken to in years and realised just how much of the last 10-13 years of my life I've allowed to be dominated by negativity.

I haven't got a good relationship or kids or anything like that. I'm not working in some amazing dream job. I haven't travelled the world or swam with dolphins or helped some poor village build a new well or any of that. I haven't done this or that or the next thing blah blah fecking blah.

No wonder I'm a miserable dick if all I do is focus on negative things. Things that I can still do if I want.

I started thinking of the positive things I've done through this time period instead. Recovering from open heart surgery. Getting into uni. Graduating from uni with Honours. Picking myself up after bad relationships and fall-outs. Tackling my mental health. Losing 3.5 stone. Taking opportunities to create memories such as working at the Commonwealth Games in 2014 or being pitch-side to see my favourite team beat the best team in the world. Making great memories with awesome people. Pushing myself to do things I didn't think I could.

It's so easy to be negative, especially if you're feeling down. Take a second and think about all the amazing things that have happened in your life and be positive about yourself. Everything you haven't achieved yet is still there for you to seize.

You got this. X

Fuck it and fight it.

My Mental Health Diary: Attack

From 11th January 2018.

So something happened to me today that hasn't happened in a long time. (Quit snickering up the back.) I had an anxiety attack at work earlier on today, the first time it's happened in months, maybe even years. It was just a mild one and I was able to get a grip of it quickly enough so I could still do my job without anyone noticing (I think), but it still happened.

Initially I felt embarrassed and annoyed at myself because I knew I was getting myself wound up over nothing and I had gone for so long without one. I confided in some close friends who reminded me it's nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed of. It happened and at the end of it I'm still standing. I may have depression and anxiety but they'll never have me.
I am not my depression or my anxiety. I am something stronger than anything they can throw at me.

Fuck it and fight it.

My Mental Health Diary: Sorry

From 7th January 2018.

I'm frequently told by my friends that I apologise too much, for which I usually apologise.

Unfortunately I am not James McAvoy in Wanted so considering that chances are Angelina Jolie and Morgan Freeman won't help me get my shit together so I try and do it myself. All my shit. So it's together.

When my friends tell me to stop saying sorry they say that I've nothing to apologise for. And the truth is I kinda know it. I'm lucky enough to have some of the kindest, understanding, wonderful people as friends and I know that if I fall back down they just want to help me back up again. No apology necessary. No scores being kept. Just love between friends. And it goes both ways. Just wanting to see each other shine as bright as they can.

So why the hell am I saying sorry?

What am I sorry for? For being down? It happens to the best of us and they all know that. I know they know that because they've told me often enough. So it's not that. It doesn't make me a failure, I haven't let anyone down and haven't hurt anyone so it's not those.

If you're down you don't have to apologise for it. Don't apologise for being in a battle. Fight back instead, the odds are you'll always have a friend or 6 in your corner, willing you on to beat the bastard.

I hope this rant makes some sense. If it doesn't I'm not saying sorry.

#fuckitandfightit

My Mental Health Diary: New Year's Eve

From 31st December 2017.

This time last year I was full of optimism and felt that I was within touching difference of everything I ever wanted. That didn't quite work out.

2017 has given me a battering. There's been highs, crushing lows and a few bad wobbles for lack of a better word. At times it's felt like getting my life back on track was like trying to turn water into wine. It's been a year of missed opportunities, hard luck and harsh lessons.

I'm coming out the other end of this year stronger and hopefully a better person. I'm surrounded by the best people anyone could ask for and honestly cannot thank them enough for helping me through this year. ❤

2018. Bring it on.

My Mental Health Diary: 2017

This has been a tough year.

I've gone from insane highs to terrifying lows almost as if it was controlled by the flick of a switch. I've gone from having a great day to being a wreck in no time at all.

I've had people who were so close to me and told me they loved me and how much I meant to them turn around and drop me like I was a bad habit. Like I was nothing to them.

I've also discovered who really cares about me. I've learned more about myself and the bastard that I'm fighting and pushed myself to be open about it. I've surrounded myself with some of the most wonderful people on the planet and stopped caring as much about what other people think. Ifeel that I'm coming out of the year as a better and stronger person. Battered and bloodied but still breathing. ☺

Fuck it and fight it

My Mental Health Diary: Other People

From 12th December 2017.

Part of my depression has always been comparing my situation to other people's, no matter how ludicrous the context is. Feeling like I should be where they are and it's a failure on my part that I'm not, or that I don't have the right to feel down compared to them because x, y & z happened etc and they're holding it together better than I am when the truth is everyone is an iceberg and we usually only see the tip.

Always wondering how folk can hold it together and do alright when the truth is that everything around us is just happening and we're all making it up as we go along. 🙃

Fuck it and fight it.

My Mental Health Diary: #PassTheBadge

From 20th November 2017.

I post a lot about my mental health now, something that I was wary of doing for a long time.
For years I put off acknowledging the issues I had regarding my mental health, a situation not helped by listening to the wrong people and not knowing how to speak about it for fear of being looked at as a freak. Other health issues made me feel out of place enough as it was.

For the record, dumbest decision I have ever made. And I have made some pretty dumb decisions.

Talking to my family and friends about what's going on in my head has lifted an enormous weight. Being open about my mental health has made it easier to fight. The cruellest trick it plays is trying to convince you that you're alone. That is the last thing you are. Talking about what's going on between your ears shows you this.

If you're down talk to someone. Friends family, fuck it message me if you want. Call Samaritans (116 123) or Breathing Space (0800 83 85 87). Just talk to someone, it makes it easier to fight back.

Fuck it and fight it
#passthebadge @seemescotland #starttalking #mentalhealth