I feel a black cloud coming down over me again.
It's a very romantic way of saying that it feels like everything is fucked just now. It's much nicer than saying that my anxiety is through the roof, I'm easily frustrated to the verge of snapping and it doesn't feel like things will ever get better.
It's not as pleasing on the ear but it's a far more honest assessment of my situation. It's more real, it's harsher, it's scarier.
And for that reason it can be harder to open up about it.
If you think that it's scary being told that people can see you deteriorating, it's nowhere near as scary as seeing yourself deteriorate.
Seeing the smile fade when you catch your reflection. Catching yourself getting angry at tiny situations. Overthinking every little mistake and every wee signal until it feels like there's a riot in your head.
People often say that life is peaks and troughs. I'm in a trough just now, and it's shite. Because I don't want to be here. Nobody does. And I know I can get out of it, but I've got a hell of a climb in front of me.
I know I'm slipping. I know you can probably see it. I can see it. Please bear with me. I'm trying my best.
Fuck it and fight it.
