The Blog With Nothing To Say

I haven't died. I haven't gone missing. I haven't been abducted by aliens.

I haven't posted for a long time because I've felt that I haven't anything really worthwhile to contribute.

I've had a shite year, full of stress, poor mental wellbeing and physical sickness - who the fuck gets gout at 27?! I mean seriously?!

I feel like nothing is clicking in my life, and I know a large part of it is down to me. Nothing is going my way so my head's dropped and I'm not chasing things because I'm approaching them from a profoundly negative "nothing goes my way this won't either why bother" attitude. I don't feel the enthusiasm or motivation I should to escape from this rut at this point.

As such I haven't felt like I've had anything to contribute. Throughout my life I've been fighting the idea that's seemingly from nowhere tattooed on my psyche that "I'm nothing special" and this year hasn't been great in terms of that battle. Maybe getting this off my chest is the first step to getting back to being myself. 

I've gotten out of this rut before, but it doesn't make the climb any easier. 

Look after yourselves.

Fuck it and fight it. 

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World Mental Health Day

I have seen a number of posts referring to the importance of World Mental Health Day. Rightfully so. It's a frightfully important subject and it's only right that awareness is raised.

But it's simply not enough.

Going through my social media I've seen stories of people seeking urgent assistance with their mental wellbeing only to be met with a 34 week wait. I myself have only recently started a course of CBT over the phone after seeking assistance for over a year.

What is the point in encouraging people to open up when there is nobody there to help them? I would never want to do anything to put people off discussing their mental health but it is not enough to just encourage this. More has to be done to help.

Since 2011 mental health trusts - in spite of frequent government promises of record spending - have suffered in real terms losses of their annual budgets, the number of people dying by suicide has more than doubled in some areas and the resources available to those who reach out are rapidly diminishing.

But the UK Government have come out and launched a new campaign with a catchy new name and probably a good hashtag so that'll help.

If you're struggling please do reach out. Please do talk about how you are feeling. But do not think it is acceptable for you to be treated as a second-class citizen. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be healthy. You deserve to exist.

You're more than a hashtag. You're here and you matter.

Fuck it and fight it
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The Unforgiven

I feel like I'm a walking waste of potential and there's nobody to blame but myself.

I have ideas I want to pursue but talk myself out of them before even trying. I get halfway through job applications then just abandon them because I know I'm not going to get it. I have creative ideas I want to try out but don't because I'm terrified of having it confirmed to me that they're shite ideas, executed in a shite manner because I'm shite.

I'm stuck in this awful loop. I'm terrified of being a failure which means I don't try things which means nothing changes which makes me feel like a failure. I'm just stagnating and can't find the motivation to get out of this rut and I hate it.

I really fucking hate it. And it's my own fault I'm in this rut. Because every time things seem to be going well I find a way to kick myself back into it.

I never give myself any credit and don't see my achievements as achievements but rather as glorified failures.

I'm not flying, I'm falling with style.

And I don't know how to stop thinking this way, which just makes me frustrated and irritable and not fun to be around.

I want to get better. I want to be more positive. But I don't know how or where to start. I will keep fighting and trying because what other choice do I have?

I'm starting CBT soon, hopefully that'll help. Hopefully it'll help pull me out of the mire I've got myself stuck in again. Hopefully I'll be able to overcome this mental block and get back to doing things. Because I'm not willing to give up yet. I'm not dead yet. I can still fix this. Then maybe I can forgive myself.

What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never be
Never see
Won't see what might have been
What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub thee unforgiven

Fuck it and fight it x

Leigh Leigh Super Leigh

On Saturday I took my dad to the Celtic - St Johnstone match as his Father's Day gift. Throughout my struggles with my head my family have been a tremendous source of love and support, and I love being able to spend happy times with them because their have been a lot of less happy times.

It was Flag Day - the first game of the new season, an opportunity to celebrate the success of the previous season and, considering how much the two of us love Celtic, a great day out.

The match ended 7-0 Celtic with a number of great goals scored but one in particular meant more to me than the others; the final goal, scored by Leigh Griffiths.

It was Griffiths first league appearance for Celtic in 8 months after taking time to recover from mental health issues - not something often discussed in football. Since his return to the squad Griffiths has opened up about his mental health and shared his experience in the hope that it will help others to open up and help them with their battles.

The goal he scored he took well but it was a cherry on top - the game had been won long before his shot hit the back of the net - yet it meant so much for me to see him back on top of his game.

I always love seeing people who have been in a dark place come out the other side of it, be it friends finding happiness in a new career, or a new relationship, or finally achieving a dream which once seemed so far out of their reach. Seeing others do it helps me know that I can get through the darkness as well. Celebrating someone doing that with 50,000 others appreciating that same fact was something that felt very special. Sharing that with my dad made it even more special.

Fuck it and fight it.
Hail hail.

We're (Over) Halfway There

We're coming to the end of July and this year has been a weird one so far.

It hasn't been a bad one, although there have been a lot of frustrations and rough patches, but it hasn't been great.

I don't feel that I've developed much at all, in terms of professional life, personal life and my mental health. I feel that I have stagnated and let myself fall into a familiar hole. And despite the fact it's a familiar hole, I never seem able to find the bloody ladder out.

I've reached out for help again, and put myself in for CBT over the phone. Maybe not as appealing as doing it face-to-face, but a 4 week wait was much more appealing than a 34 week wait (at best). However, the wait in getting started has served to increase this frustration. Another thing that, for now, isn't improving or changing.

I'm still an expert in beating myself up, and find myself in a state of dissociation far more often than I would like. Either nothing matters all that much or the smallest thing going wrong feels like a complete and utter catastrophe. This only ever seems to work when it comes to negative things, never positives. My achievements don't feel like achievements, but rather glorified failures.

I know that I need to rewire my brain to try and get out of this mindset - I have been told this often enough by a number of different people. I just don't know how to. I desperately want to but I don't where to start.

Fuck it and fight it.
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Stormy Weather

Sometimes the perfect metaphor just presents itself in plain sight.

Today I was stood at the bottom of Edinburgh's Royal Mile looking west at an approaching black storm cloud knowing I'd have to head into it in order to get home.

It's been three years since I started working and first moved to Edinburgh. Part of my reason for doing this was due to an opportunity presenting itself. Part of it was down to seeking a new challenge. But a large part of it was that I was running. Running from my unhappiness, from my mental health issues, from everything that I felt was paralysing me back home.

I told myself it would be a fresh start, a clean slate, a renaissance, all the kind of shite you come up with when you're lying to yourself. In an incredible display of naivety I thought that a change of scenery was all that was required for life to become happy again.

Shockingly, it didn't quite work out that way.

Three years on I'm still fighting the demons I once thought I could run away from. Turns out that they can travel too. But I am getting better at fighting them. Part of the reason for this is that I inadvertently trapped myself with them. I was in a strange place with few friends so I ended up spending more time alone with them for company. It wasn't pleasant, but it was certainly an education.

It's not a fight that's going to end, there's no real way to permanently clear the storm clouds from the sky, but I know that the storms can't last forever, though sometimes I need to remind myself of that fact. And even in the stormy weather I can have fun in the rain.

I have no intention of running anymore. I know that it's futile. I know my demons are here for the long haul. I know that there will always be black clouds and storms ahead. I also know that after the storms there's sun and to make the most of it when the skys are blue.

I'm not running from my demons, I'm heading back to brave the storm.

Fuck it and fight it
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The Most Frustrating Words In The English Language

"It'll get better."

"This will pass."

"The night is always darkest before the dawn."

They're always said with the best of intentions but after a while the stop being a source of comfort. And what's worst is you know that they're true. It just hasn't come true for you yet.

It feels like instead of a night you have six months of Arctic darkness to fight through and there's no sign of the dawn light piercing the black sky that hangs heavily overhead.

It feels like you won't get better. It feels like you can't. The negative voice drowns out any rational thought and any positivity and optimism disappears down a black hole. The night appears endless and the promise of a dawn as false as the good life you were promised if you played the game.

Fuck that.

You can get better. You will get better. It'll be a long journey and not an easy one but you can manage it. And eventually you'll reach the dawn.

Just keep fighting.

Fuck it and fight it.
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Little April Showers

I feel a black cloud coming down over me again.

It's a very romantic way of saying that it feels like everything is fucked just now. It's much nicer than saying that my anxiety is through the roof, I'm easily frustrated to the verge of snapping and it doesn't feel like things will ever get better.

It's not as pleasing on the ear but it's a far more honest assessment of my situation. It's more real, it's harsher, it's scarier.

And for that reason it can be harder to open up about it.

If you think that it's scary being told that people can see you deteriorating,   it's nowhere near as scary as seeing yourself deteriorate.

Seeing the smile fade when you catch your reflection. Catching yourself getting angry at tiny situations. Overthinking every little mistake and every wee signal until it feels like there's a riot in your head.

People often say that life is peaks and troughs. I'm in a trough just now, and it's shite. Because I don't want to be here. Nobody does. And I know I can get out of it, but I've got a hell of a climb in front of me.

I know I'm slipping. I know you can probably see it. I can see it. Please bear with me. I'm trying my best.

Fuck it and fight it.

RIP Keith Flint

"If people find me scary, fuck 'em."

Today the horrible news broke that Keith Flint, the singer from The Prodigy, had died, according to his bandmate Liam Howlett by suicide, at the age of 49.

Whilst I was never a hardcore fan of The Prodigy, Keith made a big impression of me. I'll never forget being a wee boy and watching the video for Firestarter - those wild, piercing eyes almost burning a hole through the TV screen, the stars-and-stripes top and the double-mohawk. Then there was the song itself - the venom and vitriol behind his lyrics. There was something about it which resonated with me. The raw energy behind their songs and seeing how much the three of them put into their work.

Sadly this once again brings us to another situation where we are mourning another tragic loss. Once again it is only after the passing of someone that the conversation about depression and mental health begins for most. It was the same after Robin Williams, after Chris Cornell and after Chester Bennington. We need to start addressing all areas of mental health in an open and sincere manner. Encouraging people to reach out, whilst a good starting point, is simply not enough. There often isn't enough support there for someone after they do reach out in terms of treatment and support, and the stigma attached to the subject often puts many off reaching out in the first place. We need to start having uncomfortable and difficult conversations.

If you are struggling, please do reach out. Please have these conversations. Please keep fighting. Admitting you are fighting this battle is not an admission of defeat nor is it a sign of weakness; it is a show of strength. Fighting this battle is a scary thing to do, but you shouldn't feel scared to admit you're fighting it.

If anyone makes you feel that way, fuck 'em.

Fuck it and fight it.
RIP Keith Flint.

Daddy sad

So I was a lot quieter on this last year than I had expected. There were a number of reasons for this, but one of the main reasons was quite a biggy.

I became a dad.

My partner has a 2-year-old from a previous relationship and the biological father is nowhere to be seen. So as our relationship went on I became a more prominent figure in her life. I became her father figure. And its not been easy, but it is more than worth every tantrum, every cheeky reply, every time she hits.

But there is one particular aspect that is frustrating and uplifting at the same time; she has no understanding of what depression and anxiety are.

It's frustrating because if you're having a down day she won't care. No matter how shite you feel she'll still want someone to play hide & seek with. She'll need someone to feed her properly when you can't be bothered cooking a proper meal. She'll want to go to the park on days when getting out of bed feels like running a marathon.

But it's uplifting at the same time as no matter how much you doubt yourself, how useless you feel, how much you hate yourself that day, she'll always remind you that you matter. That your making a positive difference. That you're loved.

I'm going to try and get back into blogging properly this year. If I fall away for a bit, I'm probably just playing hide & seek.

Have a wonderful 2019.
Fuck it and fight it.