The Unforgiven

I feel like I'm a walking waste of potential and there's nobody to blame but myself.

I have ideas I want to pursue but talk myself out of them before even trying. I get halfway through job applications then just abandon them because I know I'm not going to get it. I have creative ideas I want to try out but don't because I'm terrified of having it confirmed to me that they're shite ideas, executed in a shite manner because I'm shite.

I'm stuck in this awful loop. I'm terrified of being a failure which means I don't try things which means nothing changes which makes me feel like a failure. I'm just stagnating and can't find the motivation to get out of this rut and I hate it.

I really fucking hate it. And it's my own fault I'm in this rut. Because every time things seem to be going well I find a way to kick myself back into it.

I never give myself any credit and don't see my achievements as achievements but rather as glorified failures.

I'm not flying, I'm falling with style.

And I don't know how to stop thinking this way, which just makes me frustrated and irritable and not fun to be around.

I want to get better. I want to be more positive. But I don't know how or where to start. I will keep fighting and trying because what other choice do I have?

I'm starting CBT soon, hopefully that'll help. Hopefully it'll help pull me out of the mire I've got myself stuck in again. Hopefully I'll be able to overcome this mental block and get back to doing things. Because I'm not willing to give up yet. I'm not dead yet. I can still fix this. Then maybe I can forgive myself.

What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never be
Never see
Won't see what might have been
What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub thee unforgiven

Fuck it and fight it x

Leigh Leigh Super Leigh

On Saturday I took my dad to the Celtic - St Johnstone match as his Father's Day gift. Throughout my struggles with my head my family have been a tremendous source of love and support, and I love being able to spend happy times with them because their have been a lot of less happy times.

It was Flag Day - the first game of the new season, an opportunity to celebrate the success of the previous season and, considering how much the two of us love Celtic, a great day out.

The match ended 7-0 Celtic with a number of great goals scored but one in particular meant more to me than the others; the final goal, scored by Leigh Griffiths.

It was Griffiths first league appearance for Celtic in 8 months after taking time to recover from mental health issues - not something often discussed in football. Since his return to the squad Griffiths has opened up about his mental health and shared his experience in the hope that it will help others to open up and help them with their battles.

The goal he scored he took well but it was a cherry on top - the game had been won long before his shot hit the back of the net - yet it meant so much for me to see him back on top of his game.

I always love seeing people who have been in a dark place come out the other side of it, be it friends finding happiness in a new career, or a new relationship, or finally achieving a dream which once seemed so far out of their reach. Seeing others do it helps me know that I can get through the darkness as well. Celebrating someone doing that with 50,000 others appreciating that same fact was something that felt very special. Sharing that with my dad made it even more special.

Fuck it and fight it.
Hail hail.