The Unforgiven

I feel like I'm a walking waste of potential and there's nobody to blame but myself.

I have ideas I want to pursue but talk myself out of them before even trying. I get halfway through job applications then just abandon them because I know I'm not going to get it. I have creative ideas I want to try out but don't because I'm terrified of having it confirmed to me that they're shite ideas, executed in a shite manner because I'm shite.

I'm stuck in this awful loop. I'm terrified of being a failure which means I don't try things which means nothing changes which makes me feel like a failure. I'm just stagnating and can't find the motivation to get out of this rut and I hate it.

I really fucking hate it. And it's my own fault I'm in this rut. Because every time things seem to be going well I find a way to kick myself back into it.

I never give myself any credit and don't see my achievements as achievements but rather as glorified failures.

I'm not flying, I'm falling with style.

And I don't know how to stop thinking this way, which just makes me frustrated and irritable and not fun to be around.

I want to get better. I want to be more positive. But I don't know how or where to start. I will keep fighting and trying because what other choice do I have?

I'm starting CBT soon, hopefully that'll help. Hopefully it'll help pull me out of the mire I've got myself stuck in again. Hopefully I'll be able to overcome this mental block and get back to doing things. Because I'm not willing to give up yet. I'm not dead yet. I can still fix this. Then maybe I can forgive myself.

What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never be
Never see
Won't see what might have been
What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub thee unforgiven

Fuck it and fight it x