We're coming to the end of July and this year has been a weird one so far.
It hasn't been a bad one, although there have been a lot of frustrations and rough patches, but it hasn't been great.
I don't feel that I've developed much at all, in terms of professional life, personal life and my mental health. I feel that I have stagnated and let myself fall into a familiar hole. And despite the fact it's a familiar hole, I never seem able to find the bloody ladder out.
I've reached out for help again, and put myself in for CBT over the phone. Maybe not as appealing as doing it face-to-face, but a 4 week wait was much more appealing than a 34 week wait (at best). However, the wait in getting started has served to increase this frustration. Another thing that, for now, isn't improving or changing.
I'm still an expert in beating myself up, and find myself in a state of dissociation far more often than I would like. Either nothing matters all that much or the smallest thing going wrong feels like a complete and utter catastrophe. This only ever seems to work when it comes to negative things, never positives. My achievements don't feel like achievements, but rather glorified failures.
I know that I need to rewire my brain to try and get out of this mindset - I have been told this often enough by a number of different people. I just don't know how to. I desperately want to but I don't where to start.
Fuck it and fight it.
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