1 Year

TW: suicidal thoughts

I have been humming and hawing about writing this blog entry but if I'm going to be open about my mental health there's no point half-arsing it.

On Sunday 20th May I'm taking my dad to a football match for his birthday. He has been incredibly supportive of me in dealing with my mental health and following the tragic death of Scott Hutchinson and the Coronation Street storyline surrounding the death of the character Aiden Connor he admitted to me that he worried about me. He then asked me a simple question; had I ever been suicidal.

It wasn't a difficult question yet it felt like it required a great deal of thought before answering, even though I think he already knew the answer. I knew he was telling me that he was scared. I knew no matter what answer I gave he would be scared, because he'd know that either he was right to be worried or that I didn't feel I could be honest with him.

I told him the truth. He asked when the last time was.

On 20th May 2017 I was coming to the end of a great holiday, having visited one of my closest friends in Malaga then met up with my sister in Brussels. The next night I was due to fly home. I'd spent the day at the Gay Pride Parade with my sister and it had been an absolute belter of a day. The whole trip had been a welcome break from a turbulent period of my life and I had thoroughly enjoyed it. The time came for my sister to head home so we said our goodbyes and she went to get her Metro home. As soon as she was out of sight I felt the heaviest of black clouds descend upon me.

There was no obvious trigger, nothing that brought it on. It was just there.

From this point on I'm going to be brutally honest about it so if you're not in the best place now might be a good time to stop reading.

I went for a drink. Didn't help. Thought I was just tired from a week of travelling around so I got some drink and went back to the hotel. The thoughts swirling round my head grew louder and louder until they became almost deafening. I punched and slapped myself. I was irritated. I was angry. Angry at myself. Angry because I knew what I was considering. Angry because in the preceding days I'd been given a very clear window into the consequences of doing this and knew what I'd be leaving in my wake. Yet I couldn't shake this most awful of thoughts. Thinking of how I was going to do it. Getting to the verge of it and then just catching myself before collapsing on to the floor, crying. I couldn't do it but I couldn't shake the thoughts. Eventually something would have to give.

I got a phone call from my ex which began to pull me out of this black hole. I then had a conversation with a recently bereaved old friend which finished the job. I don't speak to either of them any more but I will be forever grateful to them for what they did that night.

The next morning the cloud was gone, the thoughts were gone and the world seemed a lot brighter.
It was as if a tremendous storm had battered me during the night only to disappear into nothing after leaving its mark.

Over the next few weeks I began to open up to some friends about this evening. I couldn't bring myself to tell my family what happened, just that I'd got extremely low.

I'll never forget that night as long as I live. It was such a horrible, bleak and hopeless night and I can't remember ever being more scared. But in some ways I'm grateful for it. It makes me appreciate every wee adventure with my friends, every family event, every new friend, every new memory. Every daft wee text from someone I love texting me to say they heard a song that made them think about me. All could have never happened.

My family and friends mean the absolute world to me and I still get angry at myself for considering putting them through this. They pulled me out of my hole into somewhere a lot brighter. They opened up and let me know I wasn't alone in this fight. One of them gave me my mantra for this fight.

Fuck it and fight it.

It's been a year since I had my biggest battle with myself. I'm still standing. I'm still fighting. I won't stop fighting this coward of an illness. I've taken a battering but made it through the storm.

If you're feeling down or find yourself in a dark place please talk to someone. Please don't suffer in silence. Because the world is far better with you on it. You mean so much to so many people.

Bad times don't last. Don't let a dark cloud steal your shine. The storm will pass. It will get better.

Samaritans - 116 123
Breathing Space - 0800 83 85 87
C. A. L. M. - 0800 58 58 58