My Mental Health Diary: Down In A Hole

From 25th March 2018.

One of my favourite bands is Alice In Chains and one of my favourite songs is Down In A Hole.

Down in a hole and I don't know if I can be saved 
See my heart I decorate it like a grave 
You don't understand who they thought 
I was supposed to be 
Look at me now a man 
Who won't let himself be

The last wee while I've been down in a hole. Not the first time and won't be the last time. I've been in a rut, frustrated at a number of things - work, life, homesickness - and with little sign of improvement on the horizon it's worn me down a bit. Down in a hole and I don't know if I can be saved.

At times like this I find it too easy to look at what those around me have and wonder "why do they have that and not me?" which is stupid because I know that first of all I'm not going to solve anything bemoaning the good fortune of others and secondly I know that doing this is losing sight of the fact that we're all individuals walking our own roads and fighting our own battles. You don't understand who they thought I was supposed to be. Look at me know, a man who won't let himself be.
I've always liked this song because I've always related to it, every time I slip onto that dark corner of my own head. It serves as a reminder that I'm not the only one feeling this. In those lonely moment's I'm not alone. But unlike the song these days I'm often more positive about my mental health. Even when I'm in that bad place and I can't see light at the end of the tunnel I know that it will appear. The physical pain that manifests itself will fade in time. One of my favourite quotes by one of my least favourite people; "When you're going through hell, keep walking." Down in a hole, but I know I can be saved.

Fuck it and fight it.