From 18th April 2018.
So last few days I've been pretty down. Everything feels like it's getting on top of me. I'm stuck in a rut and as much as I try and tell myself it's only temporary I can't see any sign of things changing.
Every time I try to change things it fails so I don't see the point in trying therefore nothing changes so I stay stuck in my miserable wee hole that I've dug myself into. And whilst I'm stuck in this hole it allows things to fall on top of me and bury me. Things from bad things happening to good friends to just the world around me.
Whilst there are good positive things happening around me when I'm in this place they're drowned out by the negative. I feel myself becoming bitter and resentful and I don't like it. I don't feel that's who I am. I look at challenges and instead of facing them I internally go "what's the point?"
Things I previously viewed as achievements now feel like mistakes. Rather than trying to be my own person I feel I've walked a badly-drawn line between conforming to who people think I should be and who I am which has left me in some no man's land where I am neither. I tried to play someone else's game as myself and lost.
I know I can get out of this rut - I have done before - but I need a bit of time. Please bare with me. I'm trying not to lose myself.
Fuck it and fight it.
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